


He should never had read the comments

by Ironicbiatch



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Choi Youngjae hurt, Choi Youngjae-centric, Eating Disorders, Haven’t checked mistakes, Hurt Choi Youngjae, Mental Anguish, Oops, Protective Hyungs, got7 love Youngjae, hate comments, haven’t edited, implied eating disorder, insecure, not beta we die like men, protective got7, self hate, sorrynotsorry, the members love Youngjae, there aren’t enough Youngjae centric, wont check mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 21:20:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19117930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironicbiatch/pseuds/Ironicbiatch
Summary: JB had warned them to never read the comments, ever.“The hate, its inescapable. Inevitable. Uncontrollable.”He had listened intently to his leader, taking in the instructions yet never really paying attention to the meaning behind it.He wished he’d paid more attention.He finally understood the true meaning behind the hate.It killed a person, cut them off from sanity, destroyed their mind.Youngjae read the comments.





	He should never had read the comments

Jaebum had warned them to never read the comments. It was something which he made clear, something he was stern on when they first debuted. 

"I don't care what mood you're in, or what you're feeling when videos or pictures are posted. You don't read them, yes?" He had addressed them in his 'leader tone', something which even as early as it was in their group they'd realised didn't come out very often. When it did, he was serious, and they listened attentively.  
That was exactly why they had listened, with great care and understanding, that they were never to read the comments. 

The group had never questioned his serious tone or his clear anger when he spoke about the situation. They had assumed it was for their own protection, so he could look out for them.  
And it was, mostly.  
But they had never realised the effect of reading comments. That something so small could have such an impact on you, on your mind, on the way you act and live.  
But Jaebum had. He had experienced what it was like, he knew what it did to a person.  
Harmless internet scrolling could cause the worst pain, because "hate would always be there", as he had told them. 

It was inevitable, inescapable, uncontrollable. 

So, up until that point, Youngjae had never looked at the comments, not alone.  
Occasionally, as a group, they read random feedback on music videos or particular songs. 

"Not alone. Don't read them alone." 

But it had been an accident. Youngjae hadn't even meant to see the comment, didn't mean to read it.  
He had done it without even thinking, read the entire comment before it had even sunk in what exactly he was looking at. Oh how desperately he wished he could go back, keep scrolling, focus on something other than the continuous stream of words on his broadcast. 

He finally understood the damage caused by reading the comments. 

******* 

It had all happened by accident. Youngjae was doing a solo live show, streaming alone on Vlive discussing their latest album with fans. He hadn't had the chance to speak to them in a while, having been busy with the production of the album, and with their tour on pause for some time.  
It was innocent and fun, answering questions and enjoying the fans interactions with both him and one another. 

Eating, laughing, joking. That was all it had meant to be. 

'Lose some weight' 

Short and simple, yet oh so deadly.  
It was precise and too the point, telling him all he needed to know. More like an order than a question. 

Of course he knew of those types of comments, of the hate that people could give, but with the joy he just felt, and the sudden deathly change of tone, things just felt, different. 

The food in his mouth suddenly felt stale as he read, and he swallowed what he was chewing quickly, desperate to get rid of it and not have to think of it anymore. Youngjae looked down on the chopsticks he held, fiddling with them between his fingers, staring at the bowl of barely eaten food, and his stomach immediately flipped.  
Just the thought made him feel sick, and he placed the utensils on the table beside the bowl, pushing it away from him as he spoke.  
He barely registered what he had said in reply, not thinking much about saying some half thought comment about it being none of the fans business concerning his weight.  
Then, for the remainder of the live, he pushed it into the back of his mind, thinking that it would eventually be forgotten about if he ignored it enough.  
The thoughts in the back of his mind just wouldn't leave, not even when he said goodbye and the comments of both consoling and hate left his view.  
The thoughts just wouldn't.  
And with them, came the self hatred. 

It was a slippery slope of insecurity and self reflection.  
Personally, his weight had never been much of an issue. He had always considered himself 'healthy.' He wasn't buff of muscly like Jackson, but equally he wasn't slim like Mark. He was healthy. He went to the gym on occasion, dance practice and performances adding to the exercise, and ate a balanced diet of healthy foods and solid meals. His weight hasn't ever been a problem, not really. 

Maybe it was? 

That one comment, that one sly mention of something so irrelevant and frankly, not true, led him to finding more, to seeking answers, to understanding what his fans really thought.  
He had developed a need to know how others saw him. The desperation was like an ache, sitting in the pit of his stomach, assaulting his senses. It was all he could think about, all he could focus on until he just gave in. 

Never read the comments.  
Never read the comments.  
Never read the comments.  
Never read the comments.  
Never read the comments.  
Never read the comments.  
So he read the comments. 

Did he regret it?  
Not at all. It opened up a while world of thoughts and opinions that he wasn't even aware of.  
The way his mouth was too wide when he laughed. How his laugh in itself was annoying to the other members and fans. How he was clingy and too immature. His weight.  
They always mentioned his weight. Always.  
It was something he managed to find on every video, on every picture. Everywhere.  
It was like a disease, infecting each comment section he came across, they all mentioned it. They all mentioned how ugly he really was. 

And he knew it. 

So maybe it was for the best. Youngjae could finally understand what was making him lack in being an idol. He could finally understand what he had to do to change. 

*******

His journey of self reflection and change started slowly. He still had some common sense, even if his insecurities were clouding most of it. Starting a dramatic diet wouldn't help, so he had to start small.  
It began with ensuring he was careful with the way he was seen daily. He lessened his laugh, filled down his smile, made sure he wasn't being overly annoying. He attempted to shrink back away from the other members so that he wasn't in the spotlight so much, so that his annoying habits weren't picked up on so much.  
In terms of his weight, he went to the gym more often, going from twice a week to daily. It was a quicker change than he would like, knowing that he had to remain subtle in order for the others to not notice what he was doing (I can't be even more of a burden) but the desperate need for change overtook him rapidly. He lessened his food intake, ensuring that he only ate three solid meals daily.  
He knew he wanted to eat less, needed to eat less, but he couldn't take it to far.  
Don't be obvious, don't burden them, don't let them worry.

That was how it remained for several weeks.  
He would wake up early, go to the gym for a few hours before schedule started, eat something to keep his energy up, dance practice, any extra schedules, go back to the gym and eat another small meal before scrolling through any new comments he could find. That perhaps was the most important part of his day.  
It gave him motivation, inspiration, the want to continue. Seeing how people saw the bad in him made him even more desperate to change. 

And he was finally getting somewhere.  
His figure was slimming, his limbs becoming more defined, his face thinning out.  
He was becoming beautiful.  
So why did he feel so, drained? 

He couldn't focus on schedules properly anymore. He didn't have the happy attitude he used to. He was no longer energetic and joyful around his members. He couldn't be free because every moment he was thinking, making sure he looked okay, that he wasn't being too loud or too dramatic or too happy.  
But he was getting better, he was fixing himself.  
It was all for his fans, all for his members, all so he could make them happy.  
He hadn't realised he was sacrificing his own happiness for that. 

*******

It had been 7 weeks since Youngjae started his 'change' when his world really came crashing down.  
He was happy with the way things were going, happy with his progress. His stomach was flatter, much thinner, and his face was finally as defined as he had wished.  
He had managed to control his laughter naturally now, becoming something he didn't even have to think about anymore.  
The comments were starting to change too. People were noticing the difference, and it gave him a sense of pride. They noticed his efforts, they saw how he was improving and were grateful for it.  
It gave him pride, made him thankful for that first comment he saw. He was happy with himself, happy with his body, even if he did still have some way to go, and was happy with the praise he was receiving. 

That's exactly why, when his members mentioned their own observations, he nearly died on the spot. 

"Are you sure you're eating enough Youngjae-hyung? You look awful." BamBam, of all people, had told him he looked awful. One of the best looking members in there group hated how he looked.  
Awful. He looked awful.  
"I- I don't erm, yeah."  
"Hey, don't say that." Jinyoung had scolded playfully, lightly slapping the younger males arm and moving him away with a gentle shove. "You do look a bit thin Young-ah. Are you okay?" The question was gentle and careful, filled with worry. How could they even say that? 

He was thin? Really?  
But he wasn't ready yet, his change wasn't over. He was still watching his diet, still going to the gym daily, still working his best to make sure that he was perfect. How could he be too thin? It made no sense.  
They had all started looking in his direction, each of them seeing the small commotion and looking over to see what was happening. Their eyes were invasion and questioning, scanning his body and focusing in on each small detail. He couldn't cope with their stares, couldn't cope with the looks. This wasn't how it was meant to be. They should be happy, proud, grateful.  
Why aren't they happy? 

"Youngjae?"  
That's when he fled. When he looked each of them in the eye, one by one as they crowded around him picking him apart with their eyes, and he couldn't take it anymore.  
He moved slowly and gently, his feet barely lifting off of the ground before he broke out into a sprint, out of the practice room, out of the corridor, out of the building and away from the watchful eyes of his members.  
In most circumstances, they could have caught up with him easily, being much faster than Youngjae, but he had the element of surprise, paired with his new found agility due to the dramatic weight loss. 

He ran home, all of the way, through random back alleys and short cuts, careful to stay off of main roads and away from the busy bustle of daily Seoul life. And when he finally reached home, he cried. He slammed the door open, the apartment being empty due to his brothers month long work trip, sinking down to the floor as soon as he entered, and he sobbed, hard. 

He was finally close to perfect, finally at his goal, and they hated it.  
Youngjae just didn't understand. 

*******

The members stood, crowded around the spot where Youngjae once stood, in simultaneous states of shock, confusion, worry and hurt. 

Jaebum was the first to speak up, feeling the need to address the situation with his power as leader, however limited. "He, he's- what happened to him?" The question wasn't particularly directed to one person, or anyone for that matter, but he needed to say something.  
It was true, Youngjae had changed, and it was so obvious that the fact that no one had mentioned it was such a slap in the face. 

"He's so thin, boney even."  
"He doesn't laugh like he used to."  
"His smile barely exists anymore."  
"Why didn't we say something?" 

It was the last one which got JB the most.  
Why hadn't they said something? They all saw the change in their member, all saw how he was becoming thinner, unhappier, less energetic. Less like himself.  
No one had mentioned it, no one had bothered to ask what was wrong, no one had even asked if he was okay. 

"We're awful people aren't we."  
Yes, yes we are. 

*******

Youngjae remained in his feral position on the floor for a while. He didn't know how long, frankly he didn't care. When he finally acknowledged the fact that he should move from where he was, Youngjae stood, slowly pushing himself from the ground and using the counter to help pull himself up. He didn't bother to wipe the tears from his face or dry his eyes. He didn't bother to unbawl the T-shirt from his fists.  
He just couldn't find it in him to care.  
He dragged himself to the bathroom, stopping over the sink and staring at himself longingly in the mirror. He stood, arms lying limply by his side, his hair disheveled and messy from the turmoil of running his hands through it, his face red and tear stained, and he finally saw what he was, what he had become. 

He was disgusting. 

His face was thin and gaunt, cheekbones almost hollow and complexion pale beneath the redness of the tears. His arms were thin and weak, no longer their full, slightly defined state. His shoulders were small and weak, reflecting that of his stomach, which looked as though it was empty, small ribs protruding.  
He did look awful, and it was all his own fault. This is what he achieved, what he did himself.  
But this wasn't what I wanted.  
Yet this is what he caused. 

A rough, echoing banging dragged him back to the real world. He spun round to the door and stepped into the hallway, staring at the front door with a deep confusion.  
That was until the person on the other side spoke. The people in fact. 6 of them to be precise. He remained staring until they knocked again, louder this time.  
Youngjae longed for them. All he wanted was to rip the door off of its hinges and wrap himself up in all of them, holding onto each of his hyungs and dongsaengs for the rest of his life, never to let go. But they couldn't see him like this. He caused this, in his drastic attempt to be perfect, he could fix it. He just needed time.  
Apparently time wasn't on his side. 

"Youngjae, we know you're in there. One of your neighbours saw you run in here."  
Damn. He was really screwed. But they couldn't come in, they couldn't come in unless he let them. And he didn't have the energy to let them.  
"Youngjae, please." Yugyeom, with his gentle voice and giant baby stance. He was the largest physically, but deep down he had the heart of an angel, a true maknae heart. He cared about each of his hyungs more than anything, and his sweet honey voice could melt even the coldest of souls. Youngjae stood no chance. "We want to help you, please let us in. Please let us help you."  
"Youngjae. If you don't open the door then we're going to have to either break it or call someone to help us get in. It's your choice." Jackson, his ever stern yet loving hyung. He always went to Jackson when he needed caring for, or emotional support. Despite his serious stance, he was the biggest softie. Apart from when he was angry, then he was seriously not to be messed with.  
Youngjae couldn't completely tell through the door, but his voice eluded to angry, and he didn't know if he could cope with that.  
"Youngjae. We love you, and we're here to help. We don't know what's going on, but we know somethings wrong. Whatever it is, we can help fix it, we promise." And at that, with the soft voice of his leader and the promise of hope and change, Youngjae gave in, running towards the door and ripping it open as he pushed into the arms of his group, the 7 of them falling to the floor all as one, comforting and loving.

"We have to talk about this, you know?" Jinyoung's serious yet caring voice broke through their comfortable silence, the seven of them having been sat in one group, on the ground just holding one another. "Come on, slowly." He stated as they broke apart gently, only Jinyoung still holding onto the younger as he guided Youngjae over to the couch, the rest following eagerly. 

Youngjae sensed the moment that the atmosphere turned tense, when it changed from the calm tone of the seven of them, just being, to the nervous feel drifting in the air.  
"We did say we would help."  
He knew. He knew they would, but the steps towards that were frightening and scary, not knowing exactly how to let them help, to let them in. He didn't want to have to tell them why he was like this, that he caused his own downfall. 

"I'm disgusting. Everyone saw that, so I tried to fix it." He started his story, his long list of things which brought them to that moment, to the situation they were in. He spoke of the weight loss, the work outs, the constant focus on his expression, his laugh, making sure he was the perfect member. Silent and perfect, someone to look at, not hear.  
"I just made it worse. I look awful and sad all the time. At least it's still an improvement on what I was before." Each member looked around at one another as Youngjae whispered the final phrase. They hadn't intervened until that moment, hadn't tried to but in on his story, but he was their brother, they were family, and they would do anything to save him even if it was from himself.  
The different reactions from each member were unexpected however. 

"No! No way Youngjae-ah, don't you dare say that." Jackson had stood up off of the couch and was looking down on the group in shock and disgust at Youngjaes words. "That isn't true, I promise you." 

"Hyung please, don't." 

"You listen to me, Choi Youngjae. Look at me and listen. You are perfect, you were perfect. No one wants you to be something you're not, and this," he started, gesturing to Youngjae body, "is not you. We can help you, we go back to how it was. It will take time, but we can. As long as you get help and change that mindset of yours, because you're incredible. Completely and utterly perfect." 

"I'm sorry." Youngjae suddenly sobbed in Jinyoung's arms, moving closer to the man and cuddling himself into Jinyoung's side. He wrapped his arms around Youngjae, holding him close and rocking him back and forth as his eyes slowly dropped.  
"Sleep, Youngjae-ah. We'll be here when you wake." 

*******

They were. When he awoke several hours later he was laid upon the couch, the members each scattered around the surrounding area. They hadn't noticed he'd woken yet, and he remained where he was, silent and still as he listened calmly to their voices. 

"I'll kill them, all of them."  
"You can't kill every person who left a comment Jackson."  
"How about two of us?"  
"Oh I know you could physically do it, but I'm telling you no, Yugyeom."  
"Spoil sport."  
"Do you think he'll be okay?"  
"I- I don't know. But we'll help him, every step of the way. All six of us, we can all be there for him. Not another soul will hurt him, I swear."  
"Or I'll kill them myself."  
"Maybe I'll agree to that." 

Youngjae slowly closed his eyes once again, letting the soft voices and laughs of his members lull him back into a dreamworld, one that his members were still a part of.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you all liked this.  
> I’m sorry if you don’t like how it ended, comment if you want en expansion or ant other chapter and I’ll consider it tehe.
> 
> I know I should focus on my BTS fic but I was in my English language GCSE the other day and the final question is an hour long essay where you have to write a description or section of a story.  
> The title was ‘abandoned’ so this came into my mind (mental abandonment) and i wrote the first few hundred words for my essay, just with different characters.  
> When I got home I needed to expand and actually ended up writing this entire thing. It wasn’t Got7 at first, because in the exam I used made up people, but I thought it fit the group well. 
> 
> Sorry for the rant, I hope you enjoyed this :)  
> Also anyone else taking their GCSE’s, feels free to comment or message me @softxt on insta and I will be happy to rant about them with you, maths and history are a killer :/ 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, all my love for now  
> \- Kattie xoxo


End file.
